Crazy Love: Plea of the Heart

I watched him love her. With tears in my eyes and a bit of regret in my heart, I watched him walk away from me as if I never even mattered. That heart wrenching moment when things are slipping through your fingers so fast you don’t have time to even grasps it. And I didn’t…grasp it, I mean. I just couldn’t understand what it was that I lacked, or SHE had, that would cause him want to leave me. Whatever it was, he did. And I was left with tear-filled glands and my heart in my hand. Watching. Wondering. Waiting.

Yeah, as foolish as it sounds, I figured he would soon come to his senses, so I waited.  Then I pleaded, but he ignored me.  He wouldn’t answer my calls, nor return my text. I hit  him up on twitter, inboxed his Facebook, texted his homeboy, spoke with his momma, commented on his instagram photo, the one with her in it, but I still got nothing. Not even a reply saying, “leave me alone.” His actions said what his words wouldn’t form. Despite the obvious hint to give up on him, I waited….and waited…then waited some more. Till my waiting turned into frustration. And my frustration into anger. I started to understand that whole concept of wanting to bust windows and slash tires, and yet I held my peace. No matter how ANGRY I was, I couldn’t let go of him. So I waited.

While I waited, I saw the most disheartening possibility.  I watched him love her like he loved me.  I’m not sure if you really understand what I’m saying to you.  He was loving her like he loved me!  Same nicknames, same kisses, same praises, same visits.  Flowers, candy, cards, cuddling, tweets, profile pics, statuses, instagram photos, taking this chick to places WE use to eat.  Wait, wait…JUST wait a minute…WAIT A MINUTE!  You guys, he told me that I was special.  He did, I remember it like it was yesterday.  He said that he had NEVVVVVVEEEEEER felt the way he felt about me before.  That I, this love, was different.  And in that moment, I believed him.  But I watched him y’all!  I saw him loving her just the same.

…Ok, ok, so I was lurking! So what…you’d do it too!  Pause. Rephrase. Y’all DO IT too!…Don’t front!

Anyway!  In all sincerity, I couldn’t believe he would just forget about me, our love, and start pursuing her as if I never existed.  And she treated him badddddd y’all.  I mean dogged him out, took his money, and left him begging for more in return.  Yet, I watched him love her!  Not only did I watch (watch..lurk..same thing),  but I waited.  As dumb as it sounds, I did.  I waited.  I waited for him to realize this was the biggest mistake that he’d ever made, and come running back to me.  I was too good to him for it not to happen this way, so I waited.  And I waited.

None of this made sense to me.  I couldn’t believe I had put so much hope in him, so much hope in this relationship.  And out of EVERYONE I could have decided to love, I chose him.  *sigh* And the funny thing is, I still believed in him. If I would reverse the time,  I still see myself choosing him.  Despite his disloyalty, still I believed.  Man, did I believe!  Not in what I saw, obviously there was nothing in the present that would cause me to think that things would be any different, or that he would feel any differently.  But I did, I believed that he would change.  In spite of what everyone around me was saying about him, I saw the good in him.  I saw the hope in his eyes, and I knew that there was something within him that kept him connected to me.  So I waited.  It was hard.  It was rough.  At times gut wrenching.  But I waited.  And I pleaded.

I knew it.  He’s coming back! I knew it.  I knew that he would!  I was too good to him for him to just walk away from me like that.  I gave so much to ensure that he knew that I loved him and LOOK. Ha! He’s baaacc….no wait, no wait, wait what happened?  Wait, no.  Yeah, this is mind-boggling.  What just happened?!  I don’t understand, we were doing so well.  Why would he just up and leave??? AGAIN!  What am I doing wrong?

Ok now it’s on, I’m not playing games!  I know that I don’t deserve this type of treatment, this type of disloyalty.  I gave him too much, and have done nothing more than show him my love and THIS is how he does me!  *Grabs bat* Everyone out of my way! Peace be still my FOOT! *Grabs piece of steel* You already KNOW what it is…

Y’all I got to the door…ooohhh, I got to that door and the crazy in me was raging!  Yup, it was about to be THAT type of party.  I needed to SHOW HIM who I was!  He always got the nice and sweet side of me, but that was OUT THE DOOR!  IT WAS GOING DOWN!  REAL TALK!  ALL DAY!  BY MYSELF!  He was about to go NIGHT NIGHT!  *sigh* Until I hit that door.  Y’all I got to the door and all of the anger inside of me turned into compassion.  So much so that I almost got mad at myself for not being furious!  But all I kept thinking was that I didn’t want to hurt him.  I didn’t want him to feel any type of pain.  I just wanted him to love me they way that I loved him.  I knew that SHE (the one he left me for) wasn’t good for him.  SHE WAS USING HIM!!!  She wanted nothing more than to just take and take until she had nothing left to gain.  And as angry as I was, I wanted to protect him from her.  I wanted to remind him of our love and how much I gave and supported him.  I wanted him to remember those days I wiped his tears and held him close when life brought the most deranged storms.  That I WAS THERE!  That even though he PLAYED ME!  I WAS THERE!  I’m STILL HERE! She doesn’t even wipe his tears!  Matter of fact, she’s the one that makes him cry!  She encourage the pain, then give antidotes that leave him hurting even more.  Why couldn’t he see that!?!?

I didn’t know what else to do.  I didn’t know how else to show him that I was what he needed?!  That I’m what he WANTS!  That I’d do whatever it takes to get him to understand that I’m the one for him.  WHY CAN’T HE SEE THAT?!  I loved him when he had NOTHING.  When he was naked, I clothed him.  I didn’t look!  But I did give him some clothes. Lol  When he was hungry, I made him STEAK.  All she gives him is Roman Noodles.  *straight face* SHE CAN’T EVEN COOK!  She can’t do him like I can!  Like I did!  I just needed him to see it.  I just wanted to make it clear.  She was artificial, and I was the real deal!

I saw that he changed his status to single the other day.  My friend called me asking had I seen the status change on Facebook.  I told her I did.  She laughed and begin to tell me how the girl had left him.  After she’d spent all his money and used him up, she just broke up with him.  No explanation. “Left him high and dry!” she exclaimed hysterically.  She said he was looking bad too.  That I had dodged a bullet and that she was glad that I had moved on.  I just let her talk.  I didn’t reply.  I didn’t laugh.  I just listened.

As she continued to talk, not noticing that I hadn’t said a word in a while, her rant was interrupted by a beep.  Exhausted from the conversation, I took my time checking to see who it was.  I removed the phone from my face and looked down to see the bright screen reveal the caller…

…it was him.

19 I will make you mine forever, showing you righteousness and justice, unfailing love and compassion. 20 I will be faithful to you and make you mine, and you will finally know me as the Lord.

21 “In that day, I will answer,”  says the Lord.”

Hosea 2:19-21

This story was inspired by the story of Hosea, a prophet in the bible who was challenged by God to marry a prostitute in efforts to show the relationship between God and his people, Israel.  Israel was God’s chosen people who had a habit of loving God one minute and dissing him the next.  Even after God had saved them numerous times and had done some of the most miraculous things ever seen, they still found themselves getting caught up in the things of the world.  Perverting God’s laws and commandments so that they could feel better about living the way they wanted to (sounds familiar?) and even going as far as to serve false gods.  Ouch!  A slap in God’s face.  And yet, we’re no different.

I’ve been reading and studying Hosea and I was compelled to write a modern, but fictional story, that depicts God’s love towards us.  Quite often we forget God, just as Israel did, by choosing other things, people, lifestyles, values, and ideas over Him, His love, and His ways.  The loving God that He is, He tries so hard to get our attention, to make us realize that nothing is better than being close to Him.  And yet, we diss the creator of the universe to appease ourselves with things that are temporary, and most of the time don’t even matter.  Yet He’s waiting on us.  Waiting for us to give up our ways and to really love him the way that he loves us.  He holds back his wrath and anger towards us, and we use his grace and mercy like a ‘get out of jail free’ card.  Knowing this, He is still relentless towards us.  Providing for us.  Protecting us.  I pray the story above helps you realize just how much God is for you.  As crazy and dumb as the narrator of this story may seem, God heart is just the same.  How He is constantly pleading for you to respond to his love by simply loving Him back.  How he’ has gone to extremeeeeee measure to get us to understand how much he wants us, yet and still we ignore him.  We don’t respond to His messages given to correct us and reproof us.  Why?  Because we don’t want to let go of US, OUR desires, even if it means risking our eternity.  Or maybe we think God’s grace/mercy will hold out until we’re done doing what we want.

Listen, God has gone as far as to send his son so that you could have that relationship He originally wanted from you, but that sin prevented.  If you already know Jesus, but walked away from him, my prayer is that you realize his faithfulness and love towards you and begin to walk away from the things that has caused you to turn your heart against God.  Know that He loves you and He wants you back, so badly.  Please let Him back in.  If you do NOT know Jesus, I pray that the Holy Spirit will speak through this looooooooooonnnnnnnngggggggggggg blog, and show you just how much God is in love with you.  He wants you, and He sent me to tell you that.  Let Him in.

Hearts Love

-ProVerbs

Advertisements

Out of Time -AN IMPORTANT READ!! PLEASE READ IT!

DSC02776

I wrote this note 3 years ago and I felt compelled to share it again…

I KNOW IT LOOKS LONG BUT PLEASE READ IT….IF YOU DON’T HAVE TIME FEEL FREE TO COME BACK WHEN YOU DO…IT’S IMPORTANT AND COULD BE VITAL TO YOUR LIFE.

I would like to share with you a story to convey the significance in being led by God and walking in obedience. It’s important not to brush God off when he prompts you to do something. You just may be on an assignment ….

..the story…

About 2 months ago I went on a disaster relief mission trip to Louisiana with an on-campus ministry. On our last night of the mission trip we decided to drive to the city of New Orleans for dinner. That night we had a craving for seafood so we headed towards the infamous “Bumba Gumps” to appease our desired hunger. As we stepped into the eatery for dinner we were met with a small framed gentleman who was the host for that evening.

You could tell he had had a long night and was not pleased to all of a sudden be bombarded with a party so big. For some reason I was intrigued by this character and wanted to some how make his night a little better or at least sway a smile out of him. As I paid closer attention I could tell that he was one who indulged in a homosexual lifestyle and could tell that the people around us concluded the same observation. Immediately feeling an ostracized mentality towards him from some around me I was even more compelled to connect with him. As I moved towards him I could tell that the people around me were wondering what the heck I was doing but I didn’t care. For some reason I felt like it was vital that I reached out to him.

I approach him in a joking manner indicating to him that it was obvious he wasn’t happy to see a party of 20 in his midst. He immediately smiled and at that point I sensed one of the gentlest spirits I had ever encountered. He explained to me that he had had a rough night and had been working a little longer than he had intended. I assured him that we wouldn’t be a hard party to work with and to let our waiters know that we would be the best party they had all night! This sparked a conversation, of what I cannot recall, but for some reason God and church came up.

I remember asking him if he was into church and if so, if he had a church home. He informed me that he hadn’t been to church in awhile and that his father was actually a pastor back home but since moving out to Louisiana he had not found one. Realizing that he had grew up in church I knew that all he needed was a reminder. I talked to him about how much I realized I needed God while being away from home and how important it was to be in a church and not to forget God just because we were away from home. I expected him to have a rejecting poise even through his agreeing but he didn’t. He listened as if it was just the reminder he needed. I asked him to promise me that he would find him a church to go to. He smiled and assured me that he would try to find himself a house of worship, for real!

By this point we had had a full fledge conversation but hadn’t yet introduced ourselves. We made our acquaintance and by this time it was time for us to head to our table. I gave him a quick smile and waved to him good-bye. Our missions’ pastor indicated that he knew what I was doing and had been praying for me the entire time. To me it had just been a conversation but Pastor recognized it to be much more than that. Naively I shrugged it off and headed towards the table. Through out the entire meal my mind kept drifting back to this sweet spirited guy I had just met. I couldn’t figure out what drew me to him but I knew that this couldn’t possibly be the end of our association. After dinner I spotted him before I left and ask him if he had Facebook. Of course! Who doesn’t right? So I asked him to write down my name and look me up. In the back of my head I wasn’t sure if he would.

A few weeks later I had received a friend request from a woman but the name had been a guy name and it sounded sooooooo familiar. I thought about it and looked harder. I realized it was him! Her? I admit I was taken back a little bit but I had all of the intentions to contact him and display Christ love in spite of. At that point I explored the notion that maybe I was on assignment and God had connected us for a reason. I added him to my Facebook quickly but didn’t have time to hit him up with a note or a wall post at that moment. Noting in my head, I said that I would get back on soon and hit him up when I had time.

I remember being at the campus ministry and having him cross my mind. I told myself when I get home I was going to send him a note to say hey and to just encourage his heart and remind him of the promise he had made me that night at Bumba Gumps. Needless to say it slipped my mind. Again he had crossed my mind a few days later and I told myself that when I had some time I would go ahead and send him a note so he wouldn’t think that I wasn’t speaking to him because of what I had discovered through his Facebook and that I really did want to keep in touch. For some reason at that very moment I felt that it was essential that I send him a note. Again, I faulted to follow through with it in spite of the semi-urgency I felt.

Last week I was on Facebook and I seen his name on the feed saying that his birthday was coming up. I thought to myself, now is my chance to go ahead and do what I had felt prompted to do a few weeks back but hadn’t followed through on. I clicked on his name and begin to write a joking message about how he could have at least said hello to a sista and explain to him how he had been on my mind and how I had intended to hit him up but had been busy. Just as I began to type, something told me to look down at the comments below. My heart came to a halt…. I couldn’t grasp what I was reading….it couldn’t be. But as I continue to investigate each previous comment I realized that this wasn’t a joke. This gentle, kind hearted character I had connected with was now being R.I.P’d. He had been murdered and found dead 3 weeks prior. I couldn’t help but think about the notion that I had felt a few weeks ago. Tears began to fill my eyes and I began to feel awful! If I had of just….when I had the chance to… I should have just…then maybe…could he….was I?… suppose to?…God is this why you?…was that YOU who?… I wasn’t only crying because he had died (honestly I barely knew him) but because I felt like I had failed God. I couldn’t help but to wonder if God was trying to use me to get through to him. But I ignored HIM; I ignored the beckoning that I felt in my spirit. I categorized it as “semi” when it was URGENT. Thinking that I had time to do my “assignment” on MY time was a mistake. But it wasn’t about me, it was about him and I can’t help but feel that I had failed to adhere to what God had called me to do. Whatever it was that he wanted me to do…

So with that said (if you made it this far)…I beg of you…FIRST….that if you do not have CHRIST JESUS as your LORD and Savior that you accept him NOW (if you want me to share Christ with you feel free to hit me up!!)…SECOND…if you feel that God has called you to do something…please don’t waste time or hesitate especially when it involves someone else’s soul…you have to realized that you are not called for YOU. God has called us for others….the longer you stall the more souls may have to wait… But with that said…I trust that God always has a ram in the bush and can always use someone else….but I WANT to do what God has called ME TO DO! So with that said…God has called us to walk in holiness, and beckons us to drop whatever type of lifestyle we may be living that is contradicting to his WORD and WILL, whether it’s being a liar, fornicating, homosexuality, glutting, hypocrisy, or just flat out ignoring God’s TRUE will for our lives. Please seek the will for your life and don’t ignore the voice of God people! If he’s calling you, whether it’s into ministry, to minister at that moment or maybe just into salvation or a deeper walk with him…DO NOT IGNORE IT!! Submit your life to God, live HOLY and Go FORTH….You may be saving someone else’s life/soul!

Heart’s Love,

ProVerbs