I watched him love her. With tears in my eyes and a bit of regret in my heart, I watched him walk away from me as if I never even mattered. That heart wrenching moment when things are slipping through your fingers so fast you don’t have time to even grasps it. And I didn’t…grasp it, I mean. I just couldn’t understand what it was that I lacked, or SHE had, that would cause him want to leave me. Whatever it was, he did. And I was left with tear-filled glands and my heart in my hand. Watching. Wondering. Waiting.
Yeah, as foolish as it sounds, I figured he would soon come to his senses, so I waited. Then I pleaded, but he ignored me. He wouldn’t answer my calls, nor return my text. I hit him up on twitter, inboxed his Facebook, texted his homeboy, spoke with his momma, commented on his instagram photo, the one with her in it, but I still got nothing. Not even a reply saying, “leave me alone.” His actions said what his words wouldn’t form. Despite the obvious hint to give up on him, I waited….and waited…then waited some more. Till my waiting turned into frustration. And my frustration into anger. I started to understand that whole concept of wanting to bust windows and slash tires, and yet I held my peace. No matter how ANGRY I was, I couldn’t let go of him. So I waited.
While I waited, I saw the most disheartening possibility. I watched him love her like he loved me. I’m not sure if you really understand what I’m saying to you. He was loving her like he loved me! Same nicknames, same kisses, same praises, same visits. Flowers, candy, cards, cuddling, tweets, profile pics, statuses, instagram photos, taking this chick to places WE use to eat. Wait, wait…JUST wait a minute…WAIT A MINUTE! You guys, he told me that I was special. He did, I remember it like it was yesterday. He said that he had NEVVVVVVEEEEEER felt the way he felt about me before. That I, this love, was different. And in that moment, I believed him. But I watched him y’all! I saw him loving her just the same.
…Ok, ok, so I was lurking! So what…you’d do it too! Pause. Rephrase. Y’all DO IT too!…Don’t front!
Anyway! In all sincerity, I couldn’t believe he would just forget about me, our love, and start pursuing her as if I never existed. And she treated him badddddd y’all. I mean dogged him out, took his money, and left him begging for more in return. Yet, I watched him love her! Not only did I watch (watch..lurk..same thing), but I waited. As dumb as it sounds, I did. I waited. I waited for him to realize this was the biggest mistake that he’d ever made, and come running back to me. I was too good to him for it not to happen this way, so I waited. And I waited.
None of this made sense to me. I couldn’t believe I had put so much hope in him, so much hope in this relationship. And out of EVERYONE I could have decided to love, I chose him. *sigh* And the funny thing is, I still believed in him. If I would reverse the time, I still see myself choosing him. Despite his disloyalty, still I believed. Man, did I believe! Not in what I saw, obviously there was nothing in the present that would cause me to think that things would be any different, or that he would feel any differently. But I did, I believed that he would change. In spite of what everyone around me was saying about him, I saw the good in him. I saw the hope in his eyes, and I knew that there was something within him that kept him connected to me. So I waited. It was hard. It was rough. At times gut wrenching. But I waited. And I pleaded.
I knew it. He’s coming back! I knew it. I knew that he would! I was too good to him for him to just walk away from me like that. I gave so much to ensure that he knew that I loved him and LOOK. Ha! He’s baaacc….no wait, no wait, wait what happened? Wait, no. Yeah, this is mind-boggling. What just happened?! I don’t understand, we were doing so well. Why would he just up and leave??? AGAIN! What am I doing wrong?
Ok now it’s on, I’m not playing games! I know that I don’t deserve this type of treatment, this type of disloyalty. I gave him too much, and have done nothing more than show him my love and THIS is how he does me! *Grabs bat* Everyone out of my way! Peace be still my FOOT! *Grabs piece of steel* You already KNOW what it is…
Y’all I got to the door…ooohhh, I got to that door and the crazy in me was raging! Yup, it was about to be THAT type of party. I needed to SHOW HIM who I was! He always got the nice and sweet side of me, but that was OUT THE DOOR! IT WAS GOING DOWN! REAL TALK! ALL DAY! BY MYSELF! He was about to go NIGHT NIGHT! *sigh* Until I hit that door. Y’all I got to the door and all of the anger inside of me turned into compassion. So much so that I almost got mad at myself for not being furious! But all I kept thinking was that I didn’t want to hurt him. I didn’t want him to feel any type of pain. I just wanted him to love me they way that I loved him. I knew that SHE (the one he left me for) wasn’t good for him. SHE WAS USING HIM!!! She wanted nothing more than to just take and take until she had nothing left to gain. And as angry as I was, I wanted to protect him from her. I wanted to remind him of our love and how much I gave and supported him. I wanted him to remember those days I wiped his tears and held him close when life brought the most deranged storms. That I WAS THERE! That even though he PLAYED ME! I WAS THERE! I’m STILL HERE! She doesn’t even wipe his tears! Matter of fact, she’s the one that makes him cry! She encourage the pain, then give antidotes that leave him hurting even more. Why couldn’t he see that!?!?
I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t know how else to show him that I was what he needed?! That I’m what he WANTS! That I’d do whatever it takes to get him to understand that I’m the one for him. WHY CAN’T HE SEE THAT?! I loved him when he had NOTHING. When he was naked, I clothed him. I didn’t look! But I did give him some clothes. Lol When he was hungry, I made him STEAK. All she gives him is Roman Noodles. *straight face* SHE CAN’T EVEN COOK! She can’t do him like I can! Like I did! I just needed him to see it. I just wanted to make it clear. She was artificial, and I was the real deal!
I saw that he changed his status to single the other day. My friend called me asking had I seen the status change on Facebook. I told her I did. She laughed and begin to tell me how the girl had left him. After she’d spent all his money and used him up, she just broke up with him. No explanation. “Left him high and dry!” she exclaimed hysterically. She said he was looking bad too. That I had dodged a bullet and that she was glad that I had moved on. I just let her talk. I didn’t reply. I didn’t laugh. I just listened.
As she continued to talk, not noticing that I hadn’t said a word in a while, her rant was interrupted by a beep. Exhausted from the conversation, I took my time checking to see who it was. I removed the phone from my face and looked down to see the bright screen reveal the caller…
…it was him.
“19 I will make you mine forever, showing you righteousness and justice, unfailing love and compassion. 20 I will be faithful to you and make you mine, and you will finally know me as the Lord.
21 “In that day, I will answer,” says the Lord.”
This story was inspired by the story of Hosea, a prophet in the bible who was challenged by God to marry a prostitute in efforts to show the relationship between God and his people, Israel. Israel was God’s chosen people who had a habit of loving God one minute and dissing him the next. Even after God had saved them numerous times and had done some of the most miraculous things ever seen, they still found themselves getting caught up in the things of the world. Perverting God’s laws and commandments so that they could feel better about living the way they wanted to (sounds familiar?) and even going as far as to serve false gods. Ouch! A slap in God’s face. And yet, we’re no different.
I’ve been reading and studying Hosea and I was compelled to write a modern, but fictional story, that depicts God’s love towards us. Quite often we forget God, just as Israel did, by choosing other things, people, lifestyles, values, and ideas over Him, His love, and His ways. The loving God that He is, He tries so hard to get our attention, to make us realize that nothing is better than being close to Him. And yet, we diss the creator of the universe to appease ourselves with things that are temporary, and most of the time don’t even matter. Yet He’s waiting on us. Waiting for us to give up our ways and to really love him the way that he loves us. He holds back his wrath and anger towards us, and we use his grace and mercy like a ‘get out of jail free’ card. Knowing this, He is still relentless towards us. Providing for us. Protecting us. I pray the story above helps you realize just how much God is for you. As crazy and dumb as the narrator of this story may seem, God heart is just the same. How He is constantly pleading for you to respond to his love by simply loving Him back. How he’ has gone to extremeeeeee measure to get us to understand how much he wants us, yet and still we ignore him. We don’t respond to His messages given to correct us and reproof us. Why? Because we don’t want to let go of US, OUR desires, even if it means risking our eternity. Or maybe we think God’s grace/mercy will hold out until we’re done doing what we want.
Listen, God has gone as far as to send his son so that you could have that relationship He originally wanted from you, but that sin prevented. If you already know Jesus, but walked away from him, my prayer is that you realize his faithfulness and love towards you and begin to walk away from the things that has caused you to turn your heart against God. Know that He loves you and He wants you back, so badly. Please let Him back in. If you do NOT know Jesus, I pray that the Holy Spirit will speak through this looooooooooonnnnnnnngggggggggggg blog, and show you just how much God is in love with you. He wants you, and He sent me to tell you that. Let Him in.